


bang bang (that awful sound)

by bookwormywriter



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Dealing With Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Immortal Husbands Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, M/M, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:42:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25638223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookwormywriter/pseuds/bookwormywriter
Summary: Nicky has been thinking about what Keane did to him.  Been trying to bury it.  It finally breaks free.
Relationships: Andy | Andromache of Scythia & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani & Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 54
Kudos: 673





	bang bang (that awful sound)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bi_leigh_bi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bi_leigh_bi/gifts).



> Inspired by the amazing story [Me Before You by taelynhawker; please go and read it.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25533634)

It had been 9 days, 17 hours and 23 minutes since they’d set foot outside of Merrick’s lab. 9 days,17 hour and 3 minutes since…

Nicky pushed off the bed slowly. Raked his hands over his face and then up through his hair. Joe stirred beside him but shifted slightly, rolling onto his back. Nicky pulled himself out of bed, carefully replacing the blanket over Joe and walked out of the room.

The TV was on low, Nile passed out on the pull out couch as a made for tv movie flickered on screen. 

Nicky made his way into the kitchen, clicked on the kettle and braced his hands against the cracked formica of the counter, and tried to breathe.

The world felt like it was closing in around him. He felt hot. It was hard to breathe. His skin felt tight. 

He sucked in a breath sharply. His head throbbed. 

He’d been trying to bury it. Push past it. Work through it. He’d been angry, at first. Then terrified. Now… now he felt… wrong.

Every time he closed his eyes he could feel the burn of the tear gas like a phantom in his lungs; the hard tile floors and the haze of fog. He could feel his body being twisted, a rough hand in his hair yanking and then--.

Nicky gagged. One of his hands moved up to his throat, clutching almost desperately. His body heaved and he felt the bile rise. He turned, ran, uncaring of the noise as the back wooden door slammed into the side of the house and then back into the frame as he collapsed to his knees next to the dogwood by the porch and vomited into the dirt and grass. 

His arms shook as he held himself on hands and knees and he felt his stomach roll again before he vomited a second time. He looked behind him, wild-eyed and slightly panicked at the sound of a footstep on the wood of the porch. Nile stood there, her gun loosely held in her fingers, concern written all over her face.

“Nicky?”

He heaved in a breath, shuddering when he did so, his whole body feeling clammy. His hair was sticking to his forehead and he felt almost feverish. He fell back onto his ass, taking in air as if it was a struggle, rubbing at his face, his arms; he felt almost insane.

“Nicky, I want you to take a deep breath and hold it for four counts, okay?” Came Nile’s calm voice, she approached him slowly before pausing when he almost flinched back from her. “Deep breath.”

He sucked in the breath, held it for four beats, then exhaled. He looked at Nile shakily, she nodded, he repeated. Slowly the hysteria ebbed away. The light in the hall behind Nile was on, he faintly realized, Joe and Andy backlit in the doorway. Nicky looked down, away from them, to the hands trembling in his lap. He curled his fingers, pressed the heels of his palms under his eyes. He’d been crying.

He suddenly felt wrung out. Exhausted in a way that he hadn’t felt for decades. He heard slight movement but didn’t feel like tracking it. It approached him slightly and he tensed, ready to bolt, before the movement stopped, he glanced toward it; Nile’d set down a bottle of water for him. She’d retreated to the steps of the patio, where she was sitting now. He took the bottle, rinsed out his mouth and then poured the remaining contents over his head, shaking out the dampness to his hair. 

The echoing itch of dried blood.

He swore he could taste metal.

He gagged again. 

The light in the hallway clicked off. Nicky looked up, unsurprised to see Joe sitting near him while Andy and Nile returned inside. He tried for a smile, his mouth twisted up and he let out a sound that was half laugh, half sob as he pulled himself toward Joe. Joe embraced him effortlessly, pulled him into his arms and tucked his chin atop Nicky’s head and stroked his fingers over Nicky’s forearm. 

They sat like that for a long time, neither of them speaking. Nicky listened to Joe’s steady breathing; took in the smell of him; felt his heart beating under his cheek. He sucked in an unsteady breath and bit the bottom of his lip, looking back up at Joe, feeling lost. 

Joe’s broad hands cupped his cheeks and kissed his forehead and under each of his eyes and he rested their foreheads together, his nose running along Nicky’s in a butterfly kiss. 

“I swear I can still feel it,” Nicky whispered, voice rough and uneven. “Every time I close my eyes. I feel ruined. I feel…” He floundered, lost for words. His hands pulled at the shoulders of Joe’s shirt, clutching. 

Joe watched him, eyes searching his face, thumb caressing his cheek. Nicky could almost get lost in it; but the press, unwanted, unbidden, shot back into his mind and he pressed his face into Joe’s chest. 

“He’s dead,” Joe finally said.

Nicky nodded in spite of himself. “I know. Just, God, Joe… I can still taste the metal. Feel the hard slide of the gun between my teeth and it--” He hiccuped a bit. “I’ve never felt so violated in my whole life.”

Joe pressed a kiss to the crown of his head. “I’m so sorry, my heart. What that man did to you was unprecedented. I wish I could have acted quicker.”

Nicky tucked himself against Joe again, let himself be embraced wholly. He wasn’t sure what to say. What there was to say. He shook his head, however, at Joe’s words. Joe needn’t blame himself. 

“The man was a charging bull,” Nicky finally said, looking at Joe. “We both got gored.”

Joe gave him a soft, teary smile and squeezed him gently around the shoulders. “You’re a strong man, Nico.”

“Stronger with you at my side.”

Joe nosed at his temple, kissing his skin. “We will get through this, together.”

Nicky couldn’t help but believe him.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a tumblr [here](https://a-little-bit-of-ultra-violence.tumblr.com) and a twitter @bookwormywriter where you can contact me and flail. You can also send me prompts. _please_
> 
> You can also hit me up on the new fan discord [here](https://discord.gg/DwKHcym). We'd love to have you.
> 
> Also please leave a comment if you can; they really keep me motivated!


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